I hate this anxiety and depression that routinely sneaks up unannounced. A good friend of mine whom shares this condition once shared that although the low hits hard, he now recognizes it will go away and things are not as bad as they may feel. Anxiety is like a goddamn tropical depression that eventually turns into a full fledge hurricane. I don’t have time for this, I have a family and responsibilities. Sometimes this thought alone exasperates the situation, thoughts of despair, of seeking release, the wish of going to sleep forever. I don’t need heaven or hell, give me goddamn absolution of senses. I understand that anyone reading this would have a terribly hard time understandingly this plight. I get it, it’s irrational… I am a healthy individual, with a wonderful family, gainfully employed. Some could even say “he has it all!” I understand the absurdity.
Unfortunately I don’t have it in me to accurately articulate the overbearing bitch of anxiety and depression. The feeling is heavy, similar to when you were a child and made an F on a homework assignment, or broke something of value out of pure carelessness and you are awaiting corporal punishment. The only difference now, is the sensation without cause and effect. Perhaps there is cause, but I’m not aware of it. I think when people hear the word depression, they simply think of sadness. For me, it is a more complex arrangement of emotions: numbness, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, hopelessness, isolation and guilt to name a few.
While I have dealt with this my whole life, just recently come into the understanding that it is not normal. I perhaps derive a certain sense of solace knowing that I’m not weird, an outcast or weak. It just happens to be the way my brain is wired. For people who are like me, it is true for you too. You may feel like a piece of shit but the truth is we are people like everyone else, our brains just work differently.
As I sit out this hurricane, I can’t help but think, will this be the category 5 that eventually wipes my island off the face of the earth? The good news is that hurricanes don’t last for ever, I simply need to hang tight for the moment. It will pass.